We all go through different
experiences in life and that changes how we see and relate to things. Every
experience changes the way our life now seems and how in the future we will
perceive our surroundings and others.
Which
is where most conflict arises from. Differing perspectives, different points of
view. Passing an opinion on someone’s life or actions is to start treading on
very shaky ground. Because in most cases we don’t know what the experiences
they’ve had that make them think or act in a particular way and how it affects
them currently.
That’s the source of relationship
break ups, divorce, commercial confrontation, bullying and wars. Since life and
our desires claim most of our attention we tend to want to retain things that
are familiar. Things that bring us comfort. That’s human nature. However, and
it is a big ‘HOWEVER’ no two peoples experiences and perspectives are the same.
The greatest joy in life can be to
learn to see through others eyes and experiences. It can literally be life
changing. A few simple and sincere questions can lead to learning what things
are like for the other person. It can also lead to the beginning of many
lifetime friendships and strong partnerships.
It’s easy to pick out these
consummate communicators as the conversation will not be a about them.
Sometimes it’s interesting to ask a question and sit back and listen to the
other person tell you their life story. Even if you’ve just met them. It’s also
liberating because most of us like to talk about ourselves. So when someone
extends the invitation it makes for a very easy time.
ASSUMING
One of the greatest failings in life
is to assume. How many times has someone surprised you with some thoughtful act
that seemed totally out of character for them. One the great things in
communicating is getting to know them. Having them surprise you in some small
or large way. Sadly because we’ve become the busyness generation there is
little time spent thinking about and understanding even those we interact with
on a regular basis.
Judging people is a cop out. It
means that we’ve measured them by our own bigoted ego. Human behaviour can be
determined by whatever they may be dealing with at the moment. Simple examples
that come to mind is judging someone and then being confronted with the
knowledge that they are dealing with issues which may include health, finances
or concern for their loved ones.
Prior to discharge patients are
often given materials as to what to expect on leaving hospital. One of the most
pertinent is the suggestion that the emotional ramifications can alter the
person in ways that can be confusing or even confronting. Post traumatic stress
disorder isn't just about those who've been in active military conflict. Many
things such as having our lives endangered through accident or illness can be
enough to destroy a relationship.
Being confronted, for example, with
a heart condition, cancer , or even trauma suffered by a partner alters who we
are. Those who haven’t been a part of that journey are not privy to the
emotions that those in the close relationship at the time have experienced.
They have not experienced the stress, the disruption, the fear, anguish and
insecurity that has gone with it.
Sometimes it becomes too much and
adds pressure to the relationship. Then sides are taken. The blame game starts.
Adding further to the pressure the relationship is under. No matter how well
intentioned the actions the fact of the matter remains that their knowledge of
what’s important to the afflicted right then is an unknown.
In financial planning as a part of
our due diligence we performed a ‘financial needs analysis.’ It was an
important part of ‘getting to know the client and their wants and needs in the
future.’
Another important part of the
process was to review how things were going on an annual basis or more often if
required. Once again things change. Homes are bought, families are started,
additional education is undertaken. All of which changes the individuals and
the dynamics of the relationship as well as their wants and needs.
Why then is it that we never bother
reviewing or updating what we know of someone who has come ‘under fire’ because
it’s assumed that their action is based on how they used to be.
Abraham Lincoln summed it up
beautifully when he said, “I don’t like the man, I need to get to know him
better.”
That bit can be fun and be the
beginning of some beautiful friendships.
Five
cardinal Rules For life
1) Make peace with your past so that it won’t
disturb your present.
2) What other people think of you is none of
your business.
3) Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
4) No one is in charge of your happiness.
Except you.
5) Don’t compare your life to others and don’t
judge them,
you have no idea what their journey is
all about.
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